The Visitors. A catastrophe in three acts.

Dramatis Personae:

P: Me
PN: P's neighbour, an old man of 88 years.
M: P's best friend
MGF: M's girlfriend
PB: P's brother
Emergency rescuers and various mates of P's.

Act 1
Int.: P's bedroom. Night. P is fast asleep and dreams of werewolves, amazons and heavy metal.

PN: (from off) Help! Help! Help!

P wakes up and starts to realize the situation as the cries for help continue. He gets up, puts on the light and after a moment of groggy consideration dials the emergency number.

P: Hello, I am hearing cries for help from next door. My neighbour is an old man. I live at 1, Easter Bunny Street. That's in Misery Borough.

P wanders up and down the place for five minutes until police, firemen and emergency doctors arrive. They chop PN's door open with an axe. All the while, the cries for help continue. Finally, the rescuers get in, spend some time in PN's flat. Then they come out again.

P: So, what happened?
Rescuers: He had a bad dream.

Off.

Act 2, Scene 1
Int.: P's flat. Day. The phone rings. P answers it. It's M.

M: I wanted to come over to your place next weekend.
P: Great! We haven't seen each other in, what, a year?
M: Yeah, pretty much. I'll be bringing MGF along.
P: Cool, I'd love to meet her. See you next weekend then!

Act 2, Scene 2
Int.: P's flat. Evening. The doorbell rings. P opens the door. Enter M and MGF.

P: Hey, great to see you M! Pleased to meet you, MGF! How was the trip?
M: Pretty long, we had to take long breaks and there were jams all the way.
P: Wanna eat something?
M and MGF: No, we're stuffed.
P: Alright, then make yourselves at home. I haven't got anything to eat or drink here right now, so we're gonna have to do some shopping. But no haste, the supermarket is open till ten, and then we can still go to the one open till one AM.
MGF: Woah, supermarkets that are open till ten? What place is this?
P: Berlin, capital and largest city of Germany. Ever been here before?
MGF: Uh, yeah, with my school.
P: Anything in particular you'd like to see here?
MGF: Yeah, the zoo. And that place I was at with my school, it had carousels and people on fire.
P: Uh... yeah... no clue what that is.
MGF: And then there was this place with all the stones.
P: Place with all the stones?
MGF: Yeah, they go up and down and up and down.
P: Sounds like the Holocaust Memorial. I can take you there tomorrow. I've got to go to the area anyway, since that's where the library is and I need to pick up a book. Alright, shall we go and do the groceries now?

They leave for the supermarket. They get breakfast stuff and drinks. They return to P's flat. About an hour has passed now.

MGF: I'm hungry.
M: Yeah, and we need beer.
P: OK, so let's get down to the Kebab place. MGF can get something to eat and we can get beer.

Off.

Act 2, Scene 3.
Ext.: Berlin. The next day. P, M and MGF walk around.

P: Here's the zoo. So you're gonna be alright by yourself in there?
MGF: Yeah, sure I will. You two go eat your currywurst. I'm gonna see the elephants.

She goes in, M pays the 12 Euros for the ticket. P and M head for the best currywurst takeout in the world. It has a special 50th anniversary offer. They eat a currywurst and want to head for a record store. M's cellphone rings. He answers.

M: Yes? You're finished already? But it's only been an hour. Oh... OK. Alright. We'll pick you up.
P: Don't tell me she is done with the zoo after an hour. It takes me one hour to go from one end to the other without even looking at an animal. Heck, I could spend half an hour looking at the damn monkeys.
M: I'm fucking tired of her.

Off.

Act 2, Scene 4.
Ext.: Berlin. Evening. P, M, MGF and PB walk around. They pass the Brandenburg Gate, which just so happens to be the most famous landmark of Germany and shrine of European democracy. P, M and PB glance at it in awe despite having seen it about a zillion times.

MGF: Oooh, bicycle taxis! I wanna sit in one of those!
PB: Uh, you noticed that gate behind you?
MGF: I wanna sit in a bicycle taxi! Anyway, where's that dome?
P: You mean the Reichstag? There. (He points to the Reichstag building, a mere hundred metres away)
MGF: I wanna go up there!
M: (whispering to P) I'm so fucking tired of that thing. We've been up there every single time I've been in Berlin so far. I can't see it anymore.

They head up to the Reichstag dome anyway. Then they go have a burger.

P: So, what are we gonna do tonight?
PB: I'm off, I gotta sleep.
M: I'd like to party.
P: Yeah, there's a party at a place I've never been to so far. Let's head there.
M: Cool.
MGF: I'm gonna stay home and watch TV.
P: Are you sure you're alright with that?
MGF: Yes, no problem at all.
P: Sure?
MGF: Yes, you just go.

Off.

Act 2, Scene 5.
Int.: A club, with various people, including mates of P's. Enter M and P.

M: ...and then she always accuses me of not paying enough attention to her when I want to listen to music for half an hour. And she always sits there on her fat arse and watches talkshows on TV.
P: OK, let's just forget about her for a few hours. This place looks fine.

They head for the bar, get some beers and start enjoying their time. After a mere half hour M's cellphone rings.

M: It's MGF. She thinks she's hearing noises. We gotta go.

They head for P's place all the while arguing about what MGF could have heard. They come home and see PN's door open.

PN: This looks like my place but it isn't. I don't know how I got here. Where am I? What is this?
P: OK, I can tell you this is your place. It's all right. You just go to your bed, I'll watch out in case somebody is outside.
PN: Yes?
P: Yes. Now you have a good night.

P closes the door. They go get some beers and watch a horror film and then go to bed.

Act 3, Scene 1.
Int.: P's flat. Day. P and M alone.

M: It's great that PB is showing MGF around. At least we have a few hours for ourselves now.
P: Indeed. How about this: We go out and eat something and then head for the record store?
M: Brilliant idea.

Off.

Act 3, Scene 2.
Int.: An underground train. Night. P's and M's cellphones ring simultaneously. They both answer.

P: Hey PB.
M: Hey MGF.
P: Yes, OK, you're done. We'll meet there. Fine.

P and M are pissed off. They get out the underground and proceed to wait in the glaring sun for one hour until PB and MGF finally arrive. They nevertheless proceed to eat and go to the record store, despite MGF's objections.

Act 3, Scene 3.
Int.: A flat of P's mates. A party. Night.

M: Now that MGF knows she can safely ignore the noises made by PN, she will be quiet and just watch TV.
P: (jokingly) I wouldn't know. I'd take any bet that she'll call the moment we start enjoying ourselves.
M: You know, she wanted to play hide and seek at the Holocaust memorial with me. I had to explain to her what the Holocaust was, without melting her brain by using the word "concentration camp".

The party proceeds slowly, but steadily, and finally, they start having fun.

PM: I can see your point about Neo-Platonic ideas in the lyrics to Hail and Kill by Manowar.
P: I have always likened Manowar to be more in the vein of Marcus Aurelius, though.
PM: Stoic? Nah.
P: What? If Fighting the World isn't stoic, then what is?
PM: You may be right.

M's cellphone rings.

M: You were right. She's hearing sounds. We have to go.
P: Break up with her. Sorry to be so harsh.
M: No, I'm glad somebody finally says it.

Off.

Act 3, Scene 4.
Int.: P's flat. Night. P and M talk about politics, while MGF watches TV. Eventually, somebody knocks on the door. P opens. He sees PN in his flat, the door is open.

PN: The sewing machine. It moved!

END.

Every word is a quote. It all happened exactly the way I put it there. You can't make shit like this up.

Killing fruit flies ist Krieg.

Once again it happened. I'm busy and spend very little time at home, and even less in the kitchen. So I forgot that I had left a plate with tomato sauce in the sink. And perhaps there was an apple core in the trash can. Anyway, there is a massive population of fruit flies in my kitchen now.

This sort of thing happens. It sucks when it happens, but it's not the end of the world. It's happened to me three times since I live in my flat, and it never lasted longer than a week. That's because I am a merciless butcher when it comes to fruit flies. Seriously, my kitchen is a death camp for fruit flies, no matter how tasteless that sounds: It's true. I have no remorse on them.

There are of course simple and effective ways of dealing with them. The classic is having a bowl of water and vinegar along with some washing-up liquid, two or three drops, no more. To the flies, it's a weapon that would put Saddam to shame.

Nevertheless, it takes a while, and you have to renew it every two days, with the effect that my kitchen smells like vinegar. I hate the smell of vinegar, and I can't open my window at the moment. So I wanted to try something new out, something that does not smell as bad and perhaps gets even more at one go. Last time I had created a true WMD, but I had to clean the stove extensively afterward, and I don't feel like doing that again.

So I checked the internet, the wise and all-knowing encyclopaedia that gives us such great information all the time and never lets us down on some tips. For convenience, I looked it up in German. You know, German, the language spoken by Germans. The Germans, who started two world wars and did the Holocaust.

I stumbled on a page which had the same I tip I described above. I checked the comments at the bottom of the page, and one bloke wrote that he does not like that tip because it kills the fruit flies.

I had to re-read that again, and he actually wrote it. He had compassion with the flies.

The flies wouldn't even live without him. They don't need to live because your kitchen is not (supposed to be) an ecosystem. In fact, they are not even good for you. They can actually harm you. It is in your own interest to get rid of these damn beasts as soon as possible.

I wanted to write more, but my day at work is over. Anyway, what I mean to say is, some people go too far with this "I'm a good person" thing.