How to make "King Kong" without a budget and why you shouldn't do it...

So, I was cleaning up my place the other day and decided I'd need something running in the background. I went through my collection of DVDs (the "shitload of bad films" I mentioned in a previous post) and popped one in that sounded at least kind of entertaining, a film that went by the name of "SWAT: Warhead One".

The teaser was already pretty terrible. It tried to explain the entire exposition of the plot through awkward cutting and pretty pathetic subtitles that didn't even make any real sense. Apparently, the film is about a nuclear warhead that got stolen by Russian criminals after the fall of the Soviet Union and was bought by a Chinese mafioso in LA several years later.

What is funny about this plot is that the rest of the film doesn't have anything to do with it, because the Chinese guy later threatens to blow up a hospital for no apparent reason. Literally, the only character motivation he gets is, and I quote: "I'm the bad guy!" He actually says that in the film! Goddamnit.

Moreover, the movie is racist because the bad guy is Chinese, his right hand is black and all the SWAT members are white. There is also a guy in the film with an atrociously fake Russian accent and disturbing eyeliner makeup.

Apart from that, the whole film is boring as hell, and I didn't even pay attention to it most of the time because I found sorting notes and tidying my desk much more interesting. However, one question stuck with me... "where do these films come from?"

So I got the DVD out after this borefest ended with a pathetic attempt of a plot twist and typed the name of the film studio - Cine Excel - in a search engine... and I found the studio's website. And what is even better, they actually have trailers of some of their movies on that site.

So first, to prove to you that I'm not lying, here is the trailer to the movie I watched:



Even the "I'm the bad guy" line is in. Unbelievable.

Anyway, I checked the website a bit more extensively and had a look at the list of films, which are presented there with their promotional posters. Behold these works of art...





A few of the posters caught my particular attention. The first one was this incredibly well-done work that would never arouse the suspicion of being a photo montage:



I checked out the trailer, and seriously, I never thought you could make a boring trailer for an action movie. It is literally two minutes of people punching each other, and four words of plot exposition: "You killed my family!" And then comes the next punch.



And they're serious about it!

Then, there is one trailer that should make you think of another movie. In every bloody detail, that is.



You're right. That is basically King Kong except it has no budget, takes place in San Francisco, has the Abominable Snowman instead of a forty-foot gorilla and is shit. And did the girl actually call him "Snowy"? Oh boy.

However, that isn't the worst the site has to offer. No, not even remotely. I didn't check out all the trailers, but I am convinced that the following one takes the prize. I can't find any words to describe it, so just watch it...



Help! I don't want this movie to exist! :( Why are they doing this? And why won't they stop?